Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in chic's LiveJournal:

Thursday, December 6th, 2007
6:37 pm	It's been a year since I last posted, and things certainly have changed--though whether the change is for the good or the bad, I do not know. A week to this day I officially signed divorce papers with my husband. Oh, it was hard. And it still is today. I am going through great emotions, highs and lows, positivism and negativism, and great boughts of depression. I've also felt angry and sad. I've never had so many emotions catipulted at me at once. It's alot for a little girl to handle. Acceptance. I don't know how. What does this mean to accept the fact that we are not together? For four years of my life, I've talked to this man nearly everyday. He was my best friend. I made my decisions based upon him. I lived my life and took my breaths based upon him. I don't know how to accept the fact that we are no longer together. That he wants out. Where is the love? What about vows? Aren't we supposed to have enough love to endure whatever comes our way? Why wasn't and isn't he willing to go counseling? Is it *really* over? Yes, it is. He tells me this, and I know it is. It's just hard because I wasn't and still not ready to let go. I have to let go, I have to quit calling him. I try my best to give it to God, but God's time isn't working fast enough for me. I hope God is listening to me and hearing my cries. I am in distress. My life is a mess right now. I've never felt like just wanting to die so bad. I'm too scared to kill myself, but for the past three weeks, I've been driving down the road, wanting an 18-wheeler to kill me or get into a bad accident and die so that it will be easier for me and less stress and pain for everyone else, too. But that hasn't happened, and I'm still here. Where do I go now? What do I do now? How do I handle this? I miss the little things. I miss the cute things we used to do four years ago when we met. Him messing with my ear, on the phone making those "mm-hmm" sounds. When those sounds stopped a couple of years ago, did the love die out too? I notice that things did get worse after that. I miss those moments of affection. Him rubbing my back, looking for blackheads lol. I miss his red hair and me rubbing his head after his military haircut. I miss those times when I would skip school to hang out all day with him and make passionate love each time like it was our first time. I miss him picking me up at school, me sitting in his Ford truck, me eating popcorn with him next to the recruiting office. I want to scream, plead, beg. And I already have. I've did all I can do. I know the downfall was as much my fault as it was his. It was our fault. Maybe me more. My big mouth and being too negative. I don't think you can ever feel your heart until you go through a divorce. Like real awareness of your heart as an organ. Even at the beginning, when I was in love, it was more like a butterfly effect. On cloud 9. But with a divorce, your heart seems to feel like it wants to stop. I swear it does seem to stop beating at intervals. You cry until you cannot cry anymore. There is a large hole. An actual hole, you can feel it just sitting there, following you and tormenting you. He took a piece of me when he went. I miss the love we used to have. I miss those good times. I miss my best friend. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 25th, 2006
11:52 pm	Things are starting to look up for me. It's all in the attitude, really, it is. I have decided to look with optimism about my future. While it may take me an extra semester to get out of this dreadful college and get my undergraduate degree, then I'll do it. This will give me a chance to do another summer research program too, make some money (and possibly meet some cool people, unlike those lamo's from this summer), and most importantly to study for the GRE. I am praying for one particular site to get accepted, for its one of my top choices--actually, it is the first choice for graduate school. I want to do a dual degree program. I think it will work out, I just have to take the time to study. GOTTAWRITETHISPAPERNOWOMG! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
5:04 pm	Another day of miserable existence. I hate this new job. It's been hell trying to get hired here, a bad omen from the beginning, and now the troubles have just escalated to all-time heights with the boss. Never have I seen a more anal-retentive man. Like *rollyoureyes* analness. Then I can barely use the computer at work, this bitch always hogging it. I guess it is "hers" since she started before me. School is not doing any better. No friends, all alone, like always. I am glad the summer ended though. Those bastards in that program with me are awful, esp. RSB. I got tired of putting up with his ass, a very disrespectful punk. Come to think of it my husband is not much different, cept he pays for things. He used to love me when we first met and had sex like rabbits, but I think we're growing apart. Of course living apart does not help the situation, but I don't know.. maybe living apart is beneficial. Maybe we aren't meant to be. I need his help for school right now b/c if I divorce I'll have to give up going to school and work in some retail shit-hole forever. Or take out lots of loans. But I just don't know if we'll be together. He doesn't care about me. I know I complain alot, but I cannot go to him and share anything with him about my day, either good or bad, because he just does not care. I cannot make him become more receptive to me. I think he wants someone else. But mostly I know he just wants his paycheck to himself. I really am not happy I just wish I would die. More than anyone in this whole world I wish I would die myself. But it just doesn't happen. You read about it all on hte news, car wrecks, all that stuff, but it just seems to bipass me. I am miserable. There is nothing wrong with suicide. People think its a punk way out, but its not. It takes guts to do it. Maybe I'll get those guts soon. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
3:38 pm	I often silently ponder why am I alive. From day to day I merely find myself drifting along, completing the required tasks of sleeping, eating, working, and school work that are required to get by. I'm just moving along aimlessly, but to what avail? I seem to be okay at some things, typically really bad at other things, and never excel in one particular field. I generally live a life of solitude, lost among the myraid thoughts running through my mind. I long to be good at general things, such as playing a casual game like volleyball or soccer, but it never works out. They say attitude affects ones outcome, and that may be the case, but why lie to myself that I can do something when I know it will not work out. I'm tired of being dealt the short end of the stick in life. I want to find something that I am really good at, some special field of expertise that I can say I am wonderful at, but I have no talents, artistic skills, or even brilliant scholarly repertoires. I live because my cells function everyday due to some evolutionary forces that exist. I am unhappy, and I really do not feel like I have a place in this world. People think suicide is for cop-outs, but I differ on that idea. It takes guts to end it all, knowing that once the act is done, there is no second chance, no opportunity to turn back. I'm tired of feeling frustrated and angry and full of tears because I cannot grasp a concept as easily as others.. because my hands are too weak to get the ball over the net.. because I don't possess any special talent (learned/God-given). It's a shame, though, that I'm also too weak just to put an end to all of the misery. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
11:46 am	It's been three years since I last saw JC. So much has changed since then, yet my emotions toward him have not changed much at all. I have gotten married to a good guy who loves me and takes care of me financially (although we have our spouts of arguments). His job keeps him away often, and we have never actually "lived" together as of yet. When I saw JC last night, my heart melted. I wanted him to say to me "I love you, I want you, I will wait and be with you, you are the one that I've been missing out of all of the others" but of course that didn't come. I was simply "liked" and referred to as a "potential relationship". We kissed. Nothing really intimate, just a soft supple glazing of the lips with a little tongue. His body felt so inviting when I hugged him. I wanted him to touch me all over, to make love to me like in the past. The sex was always great. He had great control. I think that's why I have such strong emotions for him, hell he was the one that turned me out at such a tender age. It's scary. I realized last night how easy it is that one can lose control and give in to temptations; that there exists a thin line between upholding honest morals and committing a simple act of adulterous passion. That's what held me back. It would have been wrong to do that to my husband. I would kill my husband if he ever even went out with someone else. Plus, I tend to get the short end of the stick in life--whatever I give out, it always seems to make its way back to me, somehow. So I sit here today with a heart full of emotion, practically wearing my heart on my sleeve. I want to see him again tonight before leaving for the summer. I would really like to spend the night with him and have him hold me in his arms while I gently rub his arm. No sex.. I just could not bring myself to it. I may see him tonight, I don't know. It may just add fuel to the fire. I know I should not be seeing him, but I still do love him. Maybe it's because we shared the same bed for years before I got married. Maybe I just miss my husband whom I only see a couple of times a year. Or maybe it's a mixture of both. But I do know that I have feelings for him, even if my husband was around. I want to erase these thoughts of him out of my head and heart, but it seems nearly impossible today. :: sigh :: Current Mood: melancholy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
10:40 am	no Current Mood: silly (3 Comments |Comment on this)